The fluffy dilemma. Or how I started worrying and learned to dislike [some] Christchurch baristas.

As one who has spent many thousands of man hours in Christchurch's chocolate and coffee-based drinks establishments, giving my weakly-earned coin in exchange for these drinks, I am now faced with a conundrum, a frustration, a level of gob-smackedness whereby my gob is fairly red and raw.

Since I've become a father with considerable responsibility for a young human's diet, I occasionally treat my son to small cups of steamed milk – widely known as a fluffy – at various cafes around town. I try to spread my love between cafes and do my bit to help the inner city revive. However, I'm now discovering multiple places around Christchurch that are unable or unwilling to facilitate my son's burgeoning fluffy habit. From the downright rude, to the surprisingly thoughtless, to the excessively gimmicky, a number of institutions are forcing me to take my business elsewhere.

C1 Espresso – A Glass of Cold Milk

I asked for a fluffy and was refused. I offered to pay a full coffee price and they keep all the chocolate syrup and things and still nothing. We were forced to take their gimmicky milk foaming device which is fancy foamed cold milk. This doesn't work very well as the foam doesn't last very long so I'm essentially paying $3.90 for a glass of boring cold milk. In addition, as my son's expecting lovely, firm steamed foam, he makes more of a mess as it slops over the edges. Once you take into account the time it took to fill the gimmicky device, perform the table service, clean the device, and clean up the table after my son's cold milk mess-making, I'm sure foaming some milk into a tulip cup would've been more time and cost effective. On top of that, it was the middle of winter and I had been looking for a warm drink for my son.

While I have applauded some of C1's innovations and gimmicks to provide a different experience, this one really sticks in my craw.

Mitchelli's Cafe Rinato – A Glass of HOT LAVA MILK

Burning hot fluffy. My fault for not testing it, but it had never occurred to me that a barista would be so thoughtless as to produce an incredibly hot drink for a toddler. Use a thermometer, dude! The kick in the teeth was the terrible flat white that I could not possibly finish.  Fittingly, the cafe's own website only promises great food so I guess I should've expected awful drinks. 

Margaret Mahy Playground* – Customer Service Black Hole

I'll start with the latest episode in fluffy misery: the one that prompted me to write this entry. Another cafe that point-blank refuses to do fluffies. At a playground. The mind boggles! The young man at the till wanted me to buy a hot chocolate – however steamed milk is sweet enough on its own for a toddler. I suggested paying the $3.50 for a full hot chocolate and asked them to leave the chocolatey bits out, but they simply refused to do it by dogmatically chanting "We don't do fluffies".

Let's review. I'm asking for a drink; and asking you to leave some components out. Logically increasing your profits. You refuse. I probably need to talk to a barista about how the economics and business sense of that works. If not the economics of it, how about a bit of common sense? I vaguely regret my verbal reaction to the barista, but the epithet of "fucking moron" makes a lot of sense in this instance and is 99% likely to be correct**.

Special mention for pretty much all cafes – Marshmallows

Special mention to pretty much all cafes: stop putting marshmallows on fluffies. They're choking hazards for toddlers.


I love you C1, but I'm not paying a premium for a pointless dramatic act to give my son a cup of cold milk. As for the other cafes, they are both doing extremely well and don't need my business anyway.

* It isn't part of the playground but adjacent. Apologies for attaching the name of one of Christchurch's greatest authors with this cesspit of caffeinated filth. Fortunately it's the sole coffee provider by the park.
** I thoroughly recommend Rob Delaney's book Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. My interaction with humans is now based on his comedy though much more crass in practice.